One of the lucky ones....

I just got done watching the movie 50/50.  For anyone who has not heard of this movie or seen it, it is about a 27 year old man (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who learns he has cancer and a 50/50 chance of survival.  The portrayal of his journey with life and death is deeply moving and although it was heavy with deep emotions of fear, anger, and despair it also gives comedic light to the reality of having a serious illness.

Not one for sad movies, within the first ten minutes Greg pleaded for us to turn it off and watch the new Harold and Kumar instead.  I insisted that since "he chose to watch it" we had to finish it.  He had assumed since Seth Rogan was in it that is must be a comedy (think Superbad, Pineapple Express, etc).  He was obviously wrong but the truth is that I really needed to watch this movie. 

Yes, needed.

I do not have cancer.  I do, however, have an incurable disease which feels at times and is in a lot of ways similar (I'd imagine) to having cancer.  I have been dating a man for the last seven years who also has autoimmune disease.  We both silently wept while internalizing each aspect of the movie to our own lives.  From the minute he learned he was sick, to receiving chemotherapy infusions at the hospital, to the strain illness has on his relationships, to the painfully raw emotions endured before his surgery and overcoming all these obstacles to become better and stronger; we both know these things all too well because we've lived and are living it. 

I admit that It is hard, really hard. 

Denial has slowly subsided and made room for acceptance of my difficult reality.  Key word in that sentance being slowly.  Yesterday I had a deeply moving yoga session in which I found myself in Childs Pose crying and pleading with God.  Instead of begging him to heal me or getting angry with the "why me's, it's not fair" nonsense, I asked for Him to give me a purpose that would make all my suffering worth it.  I told him I was sorry for not trusting in His plan for my life and resisting it so much that it ultimately made me more sick from the stress and hurt of disappointment.  I prayed for Him to help change my heart and to give me strength. 

Only those who have been through terrible illness understand what it means when I say that everyday tasks become much more difficult, such as simply getting out of bed.  Day to day life is completely unpredictable when you live with autoimmune disease.  I never know when a flare is going to strike which makes planning for a future nearly impossible. 

That is the ulimate lesson I have been overlooking all along, that all I have is this moment.  All I have is today.  My past does not have to define me and every day is blessing and opportunity for new beginnings.  Even when I've felt like my life is absolutely unbearable, moments like this remind me that it could always be worse; that I could find out I have a 50/50 chance of living....so today I am eternally grateful for another day, good or bad, it doesn't matter because I know that even the struggles have made me stronger and given me the opportunity to be better. 

God is so good and I trust that He has a great plan for me and my life.  I am one of the lucky ones....