Helpless and Powerless

This weekend has been tough.  I guess I jinxed myself by saying that I was finally feeling back to myself because now I am in a fog.  Friday was emotionally beautiful.  The night started out absolutely chaotic.  First, we were told our bus would be running late, then told that it was on the "side of the road."  You can imagine the stress I was feeling at this point.  This wasn't just a concert, or a boozefest, this was important and special that we were all there together.  We were celebrating the life of our friend.  I tried not to get overwhelmed and trust in the bigger plan.  We ended up leaving over a hour later than what we had originally hoped but got a free ride nonetheless. 

We got to the concert and found a great spot on the lawn.  We completely missed the opening band but made it literally just in time for Dave Matthews.  It all worked out; we knew Justin was behind the scenes hustling to make things work out.  There is always a bigger, perfect plan.   

By the third song or so I was already emotional.  My sister had shown me our friend Darcie's camera which was working just fine before the concert but now had a strange blur in all of the pictures.  I told her it was just the flash and tried to clean it and prove her wrong.  It wasnt just the flash, or the lens....it was Justin.  He was there.  We could all feel him.  The wind picked up at all the right times and it chilled me to the bones.  I fought back the tears but they persistantly won.  I hurt and I needed to weep. 

We sang.  We danced.  We laughed.  We cried.  We hugged.  We held each other. 

It was incredibly powerful and moving.  The emotions were running thick.  I felt closest to him since the day he left.  I thought back to all of the good times.  I looked up at the stars as the wind blew my tears away.  I missed him so much that it hurt.  My heart literally ached for him. 

It doesn't feel real, that he is gone.  I cried out to him more times this weekend then I have since he died.  It feels raw and fresh all over again.  I continue with my day to day life and yet I think of him in all that I do.  I never would have known how much I would miss him.  How much I would regret.  How much I left unsaid that I wish I hadn't.  How much I loved him. 
He was my best friend for so many years before he chose drugs over me, over his family, over his loved ones.  We had to watch as he slowly killed himself; helpless and powerless.  He is gone but the tragedy remains.