I haven't blogged because I made a vow to try and make this a positive site, not somewhere that I vent out all of my problems. Truth is, I am struggling to stay positive....

I am sick. I have been sick and I will continue to be sick. This is my life. I went from cloud nine to devastation within a matter of days. After my colonoscopy came back good I was all set to start winging off of the Remicade. I would now go in for treatment every 10 weeks instead of every 8. Within five days of missing my 8 week treatment, yes just five measly days, I was already showing symptoms of my disease. The pain and bleeding was back, so was the devastation.

Part of me had hoped that because I had been symptom free for so long that maybe they had made a mistake. Maybe I didn't have Ulcerative Colitis afterall!? I clinged onto the hope that I would be able to eventually go off of the Remicade and live a healthy life free of disease. I yearned for this day with all of my being.

I didn't want to make the call. The call to let my Doctor know he was right. The call that I knew would put my back to square one. The call that I knew meant I am still sick and dependent on this drug for a somewhat "normal, healthy" life.

My life is far from normal or healthy. My weeks consist of doctors appointments to different specialists, phone calls to schedule follow up appointments, drawing more blood, more tests, more medications, more false hope. I have no energy left. Part of me wants to give up and the other part of me is not willing to accept this to be my life.

It is a constant struggle, one that only those who have lived it can truly understand. That is the main source of positivity in my life; knowing I have a partner who lives with this and understands. We support each other and make sure each of us never gives up. We are mourn in this together but take comfort in the fact that we will always have each other.

My faith is also stronger than ever. I know that there is a reason for all of this in my life. I might not understand it quite yet but someday I will. I call unto God for strength and hope and He answers in the most amazing ways. Even as I am overcome with deep sadness and disappointment I can hear Him quietly whispering in my ear that "everything will be OK."

So, since most of this has been far from positive, I must end it on a positive note. I am grateful for the fact that even though it is not the most pleasant experience sitting with a needle in my arm for 2 hours, I have access to this medication that has kept me out of the hospital and given mAe the strength to work and go to school. I am grateful that God sent me the most amazing man to be my partner and best friend. I am grateful for a supportive family who mourn for me and give me a safe place to cry. I am grateful for friends who understand that although my energy is weak that my love is strong. I am grateful for bosses who understand and support me in my fight for my health.

I am grateful for a beautiful day.

The Lord is faithful to those whose hope is in Him.

Lamentations 3:25